The Regret

My regret is the reason,

Why I'm sad.

Its not because I'm so fat,

But where my mouth is at.

Its not funny,

Neither can I play dummy.

Now I feel like our dear friend,

Mr Humpty Dumpty.

I had a great fall,

Off the brick wall.

As my heart says it all,

My mind does a total recall.

28th is a date,

Which I'll grow to hate.

It wasn't something I ate,

Neither was it about my pre-destined fate.

It was my mouth,

It should go to hell.

Which leaked out everything,

With secrets and well.

I don't blame anyone,

But myself.

What's been said,

Can't be undone.

I've just only brought myself more harm.

Which I think is really dumb.

Right now my heart and soul,

Is just feeling so numb.

I'm sorry if anyone got disgusted,

I'm really just a big fat bastard.

Now what is needed,

Is more than just exceeded.

Now I end this here,

Thank you for lending me your ear.

One advice you should adhere,

Is to watch what you speak oh dear dear dear..............

Nothing but ramblings of a sad, embarrassed and very confused person who needs help.... *yawnzzz*

Went to China Black on thursday for Law Bash.... Was kinda fun but lonely coz the person whom accompanied me was like on a hunt for females lor... Hmmm... I wonder man... See the way Mr Yu picks up gals arh like super easy like dat. How come arh? Are people really in for a good time? Let's say if you were just there for making out with another person and you saw that person in future wouldn't it be a little embarassing? Then again its Ken Min heheh... I thought about myself... Realised that I lack a lot of self-confidence. Kinda sucks heheheh wanted to jio a gal but realised had no guts to do so for fear of rejection. Well... rejection does sux! Afterall, once bitten twice shy... *whine*
Went out with the councilors on fri(fish and co) and sat(jo's play) and today(see zhaoqing the bugger off).... Really felt so comfortable and warm inside... Guess they really are my second family. Just feel so comfortable around them... *MUAHZZ* Love you guys... For standing me and all my crap nonsense... Thank You!

Ok ok exageration but ultimate rule no. 1 : NEVER MIX YOUR FEELINGS WITH WORK.

I've come to realise the fact that no one really gives anyone any chances or rather a second chance in this world. That's how life is. Sad isn't it... No one would lose to another person on purpose afterall even if nothing's on stake. Looking at my camp, I've come to realise that at work there are no friends. Only colleagues and nothing else. No one would bother about your feelings coz they only care about themselves. Only your close friends and family care about you. No one gives a damn whether you're gonna get charged or gives you a second chance. In fact, there's no need to give face when it comes to working matters. Care about yourself and only you coz if you don't no one will. There's no need to be courteous and think about welfare for other people or take the rap for other people because you will realise that they don't appreciate your help but they are only making use of you to do things. Pretty ironical isn't it? Your intentions are to help someone at the expense of yourself but instead you are the one they mock at being stupid.
From now on, I'll make a promise to myself to watch out for my own back at work and no one else. There's no point caring for others since they don't really give a shit about you. I'm the only important one. Push the blame to others and not take the blame coz it isn't worth it. Be politically correct and do not be afraid to offend others. Afterall, being true and caring is only to be vulnerable to attacks or to be eaten by others alive. Your friends are those that are outside of your workplace and never in your workplace. Maybe I'm disillusioned with people in this society but unless someone proves me wrong..... Someone else who is also willing to lay his neck down for others at work (excludes civil servants and those who are supposed to help others as a living) only then will I reconsider what I have said.

Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've felt so low
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

Sometimes I'm an idiot othertimes I think I'm still an idiot.... Don't know why but I'm always an idiot... So frustrated and angry that I decided to take a walk.... Its just so weird at times that you feel the whole world hates you, but they don't. Maybe its a occasional mood swing that makes you feel as if you're the scum of the universe. Argh.... My life is in such a haywire I don't have any idea wat's going on..... My camp life is so messy that i don't know if i can live another day in camp with my campmates.... On the outside, I wonder if the people whom I hold closest to my heart are so put off with the lousy attitude I give that they don't give a damn hoot about me anymore... Perhaps they're just fed up of my lousy mood swings and tantrums... Sigh.... What's the use apologizing and then you do the same thing over again...
I wonder what's wrong with me? Is it my heart that is ruling my head now..... I guess so... I just feel so angry and fiery nowadays.... Its like this huge fire or ball of methane which is waiting to burst out someday.... Perhaps I just control myself too much everytime. When something irritates me, I just keep to myself and walk away from it. It accumulates and snowballs till I can't take it anymore and I just break down... Like a ragged doll that no one wants..... I mean why does my campmates force me to do what i don't wanna do? Why can't I just lead i simple normal NS career without having to worry about the politics in camp and about the new guys?? Can't I just be myself and be friendly and nice?!? Maybe if you're too nice people climb over your head. But how to know when is carrying things i little too far by being too fierce?? Then some other old birds just want me to be strict to them? I'm too soft. I'm too kind. So what you want me to do? Sigh.... Then there's council which happens to be my second family and enemy at times... Maybe I depend too much on others to want them to share some of my woes and pain but I just feel like crumbling at times...... Why can't I just be straightforward and frank? Just speak my mind out at times? For fear of offending people? Yes I guess that's the reason why.... I just hate to make enemies.... Why can't I do things without making enemies and why can't everyone just be friends? Its a naive thought but its something I hold closely to in my heart. Its just that I hate to offend people and when I offend people I just feel so guilty and remorseful about it...... Maybe that's why I take everything so seriously..... There's just too much maybes... Maybe One fine day, I'll realise something that I can follow and hold close to..... Maybe I'll die the next day.... Maybe life's all predestined and no one can change their destiny.... Maybe I'm just writing a pile of bullshit....
Everything's divided by a line but when one blurs the line dividing the two, everything in life seems correct and the right thing to do. Or is it? Ramblings of a thoughful idiotic person.....

Why do I need a girlfriend?? Till now that question has never crossed my mind...... Is it for love? For Sex? To cure my loneliness? Its kinda weird that this question has never crossed my mind.... To me what is a girlfriend?? Someone to take away all my pain and loneliness?? Its kinda funny that I never thought about that quetion.... Moreover, I've always thought about myself. What do I have to give the opposition?? What can I give her?? Can I give her happiness?? Can I do the same?? Take away her pain and loneliness?? I just realised how stupid, dumb, childish and selfish I was..... Love is never about one person but about two.... It takes two hands to clap but it takes two hearts to love each other.... It never was just about me me and me... Instead what have I done to deserve her. Yes load her gifts and talk about things but have I really truly and sincerely ever took away her pain and gave her anything to be happy about? Materialisticlly yes I think I have but never have I warmed her heart.... Now it has dawn upon me why did she reject me.... I have absolutely nothing that can comfort and care for her needs and everything.... We can click but loving each other is different.... I guess finally I can see a bit of the light... I hope....

Of course, saying or writing this is gonna change nothing but one thing for sure, when I'm in denial and think about her I will tell myself this... To love someone is to care and give them something that their hearts would be warmed forever.... It takes two hearts to love so don't be selfish. Be mature....... Don't always think about yourself yourself. Think about others.... Hopefully I'm mature enough to make sense into that thick skull of mine..... But one thing is for sure I'll be a happier man if I think maturely.....

Life isn't about the choices you have but more about the choices to make and how you live with your choices. I've always told myself that but I realise there's more to it.... Yes it about the choices you make but how you live with it is the real difficult part coz we are all humans... Now I realise that to comfort someone isn't easy.... Just by saying the politically correct thing doesn't solve anything, speaking rationally does.... Maybe what I'm typing now is more of crap than truth but hey at least I'm typing my heart out..... When I look back two, twenty years at least I know I wrote my true feelings.... And judge whether what I have said is true or false.....

Sigh.... Feel so shitty nowadays... It all started when my campmate got angry with me for god knows wat reasons.... The only thing i could guess was that I my attitude must have been so heck care towards going to the Jeff Chang concert that he decided to go without me.... sigh....... Then that's where the whole trouble started.... I don't really enjoy the company of my campmates sometimes but nothing can be helped abt that.... Its all so political and irritating to just try and manouever your way thru NS without touching politics at all.... SUcky... Then comes along the little funny thing called LUUV which always never fails to make me jealous or shitty... Wahahha somehow or rather i must have gotten used to this kind of life ever since I was out of LUUV....

Was at intra yesterday. Somehow or rather i was already feeling shitty before the event.... Sprained my leg in soccer which was totally sianzzz..... Afterall it was my fault. Who called me to be so trigger happy sliding everywhere.... In the end, went in the wrong way and heard a crack when i went in..... SUCKS.... Met so many ppl in intra whom i haven't seen in donkey jabroni years..... It kinda felt like a big reunion but i just didn't felt as if I belonged in the group.... Keep wanting to talk to people but couldn't coz everytime i talked was interrupted.... Moreover, I don't talk so much in a group rather prefer in small groups or one on one..... Don't know why.... I just felt so hollow and invisible that nite rather than catching up with old times... Perhaps I'm just not in conversing that's all.... Don't we all feel the same muahahhaha.... One thing for sure I'm pretty happy or rather comforted to see a Ma and a Hoe together seeems as though they finally made up or something.... Afterall i don't really know the details but wish the best for them....

Sigh..... I'm so lonely and intra perhaps made me even more lonely..... Seeing everyone and feeling so distant... Kinda feels like i'm living in antartica.... Wahahah gu dan bei ban qiu.....