Sometimes I'm an idiot othertimes I think I'm still an idiot.... Don't know why but I'm always an idiot... So frustrated and angry that I decided to take a walk.... Its just so weird at times that you feel the whole world hates you, but they don't. Maybe its a occasional mood swing that makes you feel as if you're the scum of the universe. Argh.... My life is in such a haywire I don't have any idea wat's going on..... My camp life is so messy that i don't know if i can live another day in camp with my campmates.... On the outside, I wonder if the people whom I hold closest to my heart are so put off with the lousy attitude I give that they don't give a damn hoot about me anymore... Perhaps they're just fed up of my lousy mood swings and tantrums... Sigh.... What's the use apologizing and then you do the same thing over again...
I wonder what's wrong with me? Is it my heart that is ruling my head now..... I guess so... I just feel so angry and fiery nowadays.... Its like this huge fire or ball of methane which is waiting to burst out someday.... Perhaps I just control myself too much everytime. When something irritates me, I just keep to myself and walk away from it. It accumulates and snowballs till I can't take it anymore and I just break down... Like a ragged doll that no one wants..... I mean why does my campmates force me to do what i don't wanna do? Why can't I just lead i simple normal NS career without having to worry about the politics in camp and about the new guys?? Can't I just be myself and be friendly and nice?!? Maybe if you're too nice people climb over your head. But how to know when is carrying things i little too far by being too fierce?? Then some other old birds just want me to be strict to them? I'm too soft. I'm too kind. So what you want me to do? Sigh.... Then there's council which happens to be my second family and enemy at times... Maybe I depend too much on others to want them to share some of my woes and pain but I just feel like crumbling at times...... Why can't I just be straightforward and frank? Just speak my mind out at times? For fear of offending people? Yes I guess that's the reason why.... I just hate to make enemies.... Why can't I do things without making enemies and why can't everyone just be friends? Its a naive thought but its something I hold closely to in my heart. Its just that I hate to offend people and when I offend people I just feel so guilty and remorseful about it...... Maybe that's why I take everything so seriously..... There's just too much maybes... Maybe One fine day, I'll realise something that I can follow and hold close to..... Maybe I'll die the next day.... Maybe life's all predestined and no one can change their destiny.... Maybe I'm just writing a pile of bullshit....
Everything's divided by a line but when one blurs the line dividing the two, everything in life seems correct and the right thing to do. Or is it? Ramblings of a thoughful idiotic person.....