How impt is someone to you? When he or she competes isn't it natural for you to show your support? Thats like the basics of showing care or concern. When someone is feeling down, you should cheer that person up? What do you do instead? You focus on your own cuts and training. Sure everything is about you. Ask yourself have you ever done anything for me?

What's the point of telling you I'm angry if you don't want to do anything about it? WHAT'S THE POINT? You mean when I'm angry I have to swallow my pride and say I'm sorry? I'm not your dog or pet toy, I'm a human being, I have feelings, and if you don't care about my feelings, what am I to you? I'm not even worth anything.

I can't sleep.... Its no wonder why... I can't focus. Somehow I know I'm not gonna do well today. Coz my mind is just so pre-occupied with other things.

"Treasure what you hold dear to your heart" - Thats what I've always been trying to do. I have been selflessly giving and sacrificing as much as I can. Eating bread, going all out of my way, but somehow I just don't feel appreciated. Saying "Thank You"s are only suffice for a couple of times, but after all talk is FREE. You don't need money or really much effort to say "Thank You".

Maybe I'm just a toy or in fact a servant. After I've been squeezed every single drop of what I'm worth, out I go. "Thank you! Please don't come back again!" I can names countless of examples that this has happened, but what's the point. Even if you're at fault, you don't care.

Honestly, I don't see any light at all. Perhaps you would like to save me from this crumbling misery, or put me back into eternal darkness. Maybe I'm not someone that's worth your time and effort to treasure. If thats the case, so be it then. I don't care anymore.

My bread eating days are over!!! WOOHOO!!! Hopefully my bread eating days are worth it.... MEEEEEEPPPPPPPP

"Time is the best teacher, it's a shame that in the end he kills all his students.."

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws. * POKE*

No matter how angry I get, I just need to hear a voice or a smile from someone and it just dissipates my anger away and turn a flaming body into a melted pile of hot chocolate. Though the analogies can be bad, but i guess you get the point. Is this how liking someone feels?

No matter how tiring it is, I would always respond to a voice of help or wait patiently for someone. Seeing the smile or energy emitting from that face would just make everything seem worthwhile. Is this how liking someone feels?

No matter how tough it is, I would always try to make the "impossible" possible despite the odds, the scoldings, the effort and the risk just to see that smile on that face. Is this how liking someone feels?

Going out of the way to do something and not expecting anything in return, just to see the happiness and joy on someone's face. Is this how liking someone feels? Although it does feel sucky that I am unappreciated, scolded for something thats not entirely my fault, I get by just by being around her and seeing her whoop with joy.

I like being with her.

Don't let your own evils consume you. Cut through those evils and you'll see the light.

Somehow I always think that there's a strong correlation between someone's kendo and their view/perception of life. If you look at the way our sensei's (teacher's) form of kendo each of them have different styles of kendo. We have the straightforward people (those that only go for strong straight cuts), the thinkers (access the situation and only attacks when there is a very good opportunity), the hardworkers (those that have the never say die spirit in keiko), the people who just bash through everything in life (those that think that power is the only way to go! BAM!), the weirdos (those that don't fall in place, fall in here)

In fact, whatever we do reflects who we are as people. Just that in kendo, it does reflect the true nature of someone especially when they are tired out and they have to give in their 100% effort or when the training days feel sucky and they have to summon their inner strength to conjure up something. Tough times don't last tough men do.

To me looking at my miniscule journey of just four over years, I've learnt a lot of the people around me in kendo. Learnt to eat more humble pie, learnt that respect comes from within and not to show fear in the face of danger. Kendo gives me the strength to persevere in doing what I believe is right and move on in life. Whenever I feel down, training kendo sometimes doesn't give me answers but I become clearer of my goal and what I want. I guess its a psychological thing and thats the beauty of martial art when you reach a certain level i guess. You start to realise and think what the heck have I been doing for the past years? How do I move on to the next level? Like life, kendo never stops at a certain place. Yet we train to move on further, every step we take in life we do the same in kendo. There is no end to that number of steps but how we view it.

Being all so philosophical all of a sudden when I'm still so young both in terms in life and kendo, I suggest my current way of life is the best to go. Go forth doing the right thing and not worrying about what others think. Like in kendo, to go in straight without fear and to execute what you think is your best chance.

I had a completely warped dream / nightmare last night. I couldn't remember the dream for the first part but what i remember vividly was the second part of it. I was taking this transparent lifts where you could see through the glass lift doors so when i exited the lift I was in as the lift moved down, to my horrow i saw a lady standing at the top of the lift. Of course in a dream you don't question what's going. Then i realised on the other lift there was also another lady on the top of the lift and both ladies seemed to be distraught and trying to find a way to escape from being at the top of the lift. I was trying to signal to them i was getting help but I wasn't sure if they heard me calling them. Apparently we were on quite a high ground, then one of the ladies grabbed the cables and tried to swing for the door. I was desperately worried for her as it was a big gamble. My worst fears were confirmed as she lost her grip and came smashing down like a doll being thrown from the top floor bumping into objects real hard. Somehow, her body landed smack on top of the other lady's lift and she splatter gooey stuff onto the lady. It seemed that she had a chance of surviving, the other lady obviously disgusted by the mess just pushed the other lady.... I was horrified by the scene unfolding my eyes and felt really sick. Then I woke up....

I was pretty disturbed by the dream and bumped my wound which started bleeding. I tried giving morning calls to the porcupine but I assumed her phone was on silent. Anyways after a while i drifted to La la land and the dream continued. I dreamt that an investigation took place. Where three suspects were hauled into the interrogation room with Charles a friend of mine. Don't ask me why I was at the interrogation room. The funny thing is we started taking out paint ball revolvers and shooting each other. Suspects and us. I was hiding behind one pillar when all of a sudden i heard multiple groans and screams. When I turned around into the room, dead bodies were all over the place. All with a hole punched right through their chests like as if some aliens did that. The next thing i knew i heard some auntie cleaners nearby and motioned for them to come help me. As i rushed back, I saw Charles struggling to write the killer's name. It spelt Stella. Stella sensei!! I was shocked beyond words and tried to ask Charles what happened. Before I could hear anything, I woke up again. Scary dream...

"Religon is flawed, because men are flawed..." - Angels and Demons

When we are alone on a starlit night, when by chance we see the migrating birds in autumn descending on a grove of junipers to rest and eat; when we see children in a moment when they are really children, when we know love in our own hearts; or when, like the Japanese poet, Basho, we hear an old frog land in a quiet pond with a solitary splash - at such times the awakening, the turning inside out of all values, the "newness," the emptiness and the purity of vision that make themselves evident, all these provide a glimpse of the cosmic dance.  ~ Thomas Merton

Sorry and Thank You don't mean a thing especially when u don't mean it. Sorry also becomes more insincere when u always do it but think by saying sorry everything is always going to be alright. 

But then again if u think about it? How can we prove that we really mean it when we saying thank you or sorry? I believe that you only mean it when you say sorry if you make a conscious effort to try and not commit the same mistake again. Its difficult I guess but as long as you know that you make the effort not to let the same thing happen again. Then begs the question how do others know you are making the effort to not commit the same mistake? I have been in the situation where I do make the same mistake again unintentionally and indeed the feeling isn't great especially when u know you've really made the effort to try. 

I guess to err only shows that we are all human. Everyone makes mistakes its how you react to the mistakes that counts. How you move on from these mistakes and not shrug it aside when being told by others what you are doing is wrong and think that others are against you. Think S-A-R-A-H. Shock, Anger, Rejection, Acceptance, Help. If you're always at the first three and never reach the last two, then nothing's gonna change. Seek others for help, you can't do it alone. It is hard no doubt about it thats why life's worth living.

"I gave my life to learning how to live. Now that I have organized it all... Its just about over." - Sandra Hochman

Sometimes i feel like a doll that has an expiry date. Anytime I'll be thrown away. 

The weather's so erratic nowadays that people are falling sick all over the place! It gets raining in the day and then it gets all hot and humid at night... If only the weather would be more windy. arhhhhh.... Thats just wishful thinking living in Singapore. Enough ranting about the weather. As i reach a close in my university life in SMU i really look back and wonder how far have i travelled. All those memorable events and the unforgettable people. Although life at one point of time felt very much short-changed. I guess i rode through that violent storm and became a better person inside i guess. 

Humans are always quick to blame and never to admit their own mistakes. I know I'm guilty of doing it too.. Somehow i just wished that we all would just sit down after cooling down and think through each other's faults and not put the blame at each other. 

Sometimes it wouldn't hurt to feel appreciated. But thats really hard if a lot of things are expected out of you. Thats why we're human beings. We appreciate each other for the things we do for each other in different ways but right now I just feel completely taken for granted. Life's really been great for me recently, its been a blissful four months encounting and i'm really looking forward to how things turn out. I'm so tired that i fall asleep like within minutes of touching my bed. Somehow i wished i could feel more appreciated. I guess i've been repeating that thrice now but thats what I truly feel. The tiredness has gone ot my head. I think ineed to crash out for a while.

You must always take two steps backwards before you can take three steps forward. Honestly, I'm feeling both sad and happy at the same time with the way things are going. Lots of things have been just zooming by in an instant that I've barely got time to breathe. I guess the main reason why I'm feelin sad, why tears well up in my eyes today is unexplainable. First, your eyes grow strained as you think more abt it your vision starts to blur and your nose starts to water. Yet when I think about how the way things used be and the way things are and will be I feel very heartened that things might turn out for the better. We emerge stronger and unfurl another chapter of our lives. It really is a bitter sweet feeling which is still lingering in my mouth something i find very hard to swallow yet you know you have to swallow it. I guess what better way than to think about the positive future we have ahead. 

I guess thats what being human is all about. The emotions and the rationality all into one. The learning process of how to live, how to be someone. I guess we only learn how to walk after learning how to fall. The road maybe tough but i want to persevere on. Looking back at things, I guess I would do the same thing all over again. Would you?

02/02/2009. An important date to remember. 

Whatever it is, I'll try to make things work. I'll give it my all. Its the impt things to me that matters. This way life has always been my way of life and it will continue to be. Treasure something thats important to you with the mentality that u never know what's gonna happen tomorrow. Only then life is without any regrets. Its the short lifespan of man that makes everything so beautiful.

I'm sitting here wondering what i can do to make things better. I'm praying that every thing's alright... If only i could bite all the bullets for you, but i can't. I try to please everyone. Be the good brother/son that i can become. Be the good friend that i hope to be. Be the good caring guy for you. It hard but I'm trying my best. If thats not good enough, I'll give the best of my best.

Gahh.... FAMISHED!!! Seriously hungry that i could eat a cow.... Hmm.. on second thought maybe not...... Well, I've never been an avid fan of office politics and doubt i will ever be one. But working in a female dominated area it really brings the word of office politics to life. I never understand why people have to take sides to me the side which has more power wins. Well, this is another story for sometime soon. And I"M STARVING!!!!

I'm sleepless as usual. Whats new. But I can't say i didn't deserve it. First day at work later.... Think today is gonna be a horrible day. Sigh....

I'm sitting here thinking what went wrong. Yet I basically made the most typical mistake I've always been making: rushing into things like a bull. Why do I always do that? Is it just in me to do such a thing? How do I stop myself? To not do stuff on the spur of the moment, to give in to your inner demons. I just hate who I am sometimes. I try to be the best person I can be, but my character makes it so hard. To do stupid things, go all out to protect someone, take the rap, because my love for people is greater than myself. Sometimes i wished I would have been selfish and get what I want. But I know I cannot bear to hurt people around me. Sorry, but I never meant to hurt anyone. 

As the horrible feeling starts to creep in again, looking out of my room I wonder if you're looking at the same sky as I am. Could my thoughts reach you? I know I'm supposed to be leaving you alone. But if only you could know how I feel...

Its gonna be another sleepless night.... I know it.... I blame myself for hurting you. But I really don't know what to say what to do... 

We went too fast... Yet I'm clueless to where we go from here. But all I want you to know is that I love you. 

Why you so stupid Carey!!! Do things never use your brain one...... Sigh sometimes i marvel at the stupidity of your brain.... Please try harder to use your brain please... Be more thoughtful about others.

CNY..... Lots of wishes. But only one wish is important to me..... 

It was a roller coaster ride of emotions yesterday. From feeling the pits, you brought me out of hell and made me the happiest guy in the whole wide world. Thank you for making me feel that way. Thank you for being so special in my life. 

I'm really really really tired but my eyes can't close I don't know why..... 

I really feel like a scumbag now. The lowest form of life on this planet. I feel ashamed, stupid and in agony. Because I did really stupid things. Why did i do it? You're the dumbest asshole in the whole wide world Carey Loy. I'm not writing this because there might be this remote chance you might read this but its really how I feel right now. Somehow i wished I had been slapped or punched by you, for being such an asshole. Right now, I feel miserable. Utterly miserable.

You know the feeling when you wake up and everything is horribly wrong. Yes, thats the feeling i'm getting now. That horrible aura in the air, something i really dread and makes me not feel like doing anything at all. The "sian" feeling where you just wanna cover yourself with a blanket and just wished this horrible feeling would go away. But no, it won't go away. In fact, its here to stay...

I'm still wide awake. Lying in bed isn't helping, as my mind keeps racing back and forth. Someone give me a KO punch pls......

If there's anything I did wrong, please forgive me. I was out of hand. 

If there's anything you want me to make things right, please let me know. I will try my best.

For I am ignorant, and my soul has been confused.

For I am learning, and only then can I change for the better.

Give me one more chance,

Let me make that wrong right.

Not to forget!!! I"M FREAKING HUNGRY WITHOUT ANY LUNCH!!!!!

ROAR!!!! *random mumbling*

Red tape is really a pain in the ass sometimes. Too much red tape that is. I can understand if a little bit of red tape to put order in place. But too much red tape just tortures people in terms of having the hassle to run like headless chickens all over school. Gah sometimes i marvel at why certain rules are in place. Then again... Thats why organisations are inefficient. Thats why I'm still in sch at this time of the day despite my one day week schedule. Oh well, I have to be thankful that everything is done. So heck it. Lanlansuckthumb.... :p

Somehow when i'm around you everything doesn't seem to matter.I never like to jump into things rashly perhaps due to past experiences but yet there's a voice shouting inside of me not to let the opportunity slip. As long as you're happy, I'm happy too. When you're sad, I feel sad. One thing for sure i like you for who you are not anyone else. Your jokes, your bubbly character but most imptly a side of you attracts me so much. Lets just take things one at a time.... Que Sierra Sierra.

Laid-back Doer Laid-back Doer (LD)

Laid-back Doers are friendly, happy persons. They enjoy being together with other people. Smart, eloquent, witty and charming, they like to be the centre of attraction. They do not like to be alone. Their zest for life ensures that others feel well in their company and that they quickly get to know people. Laid-back Doers get the best out of every moment - many people of this type have a gift for making their whole life one big party. Boredom is unknown in their presence because they are very good at carrying others away with their enthusiasm, their good mood and their optimism.

Abstract thinking and profound philosophising about the meaning of life appeal less to Laid-back Doers. They are pragmatic, realistic and live completely in the here and now. At work too, they prefer it when it’s all go and they can act out their purposeful manner to the full. They have no problem handling several tasks at once and they blossom out in crisis situations! A varied field of activity with a lot of social contacts is just the right thing for them. One will also seldom find them inactive in their spare time; due to their open, curious nature, they mostly have many hobbies and interests. They are not afraid of the unknown: as they are flexible and creative, they quickly adjust to new situations and make the best of them. They sometimes come into conflict with strict rules or hierarchies by which they quickly feel constrained and against which they rebel.

As friends, Laid-back Doers are generous, helpful persons who attach great importance to harmonious relationships and a good atmosphere. Their sociable manner means that they have a large circle of friends and they love having the house full of many different types of guests. They are happy to give in to their spontaneous moods and fancies in the just one or two important things. This makes them appear somewhat unpredictable to those with a quieter nature. When it really matters, you can rely on them one hundred percent. As partners, they are creative, impetuous and imaginative - as long as their partner knows how to fascinate them. They can hardly stand boredom or routine in a relationship. They do not like conflicts at all; if a relationship becomes too strenuous or involves too much effort, they tend to withdraw from the partnership and start to look for a new partner. However, if one manages to keep their curiosity alive in the long term and surprise them again and again, one has a loyal and loving partner.

Adjectives which describe your type

extroverted, practical, emotional, spontaneous, enthusiastic, friendly, playful, lively, talkative, nonchalant, tolerant, happy, pleasant, generous, flexible, wily, attractive, relationship-oriented, generous, adventurous, fun-loving, creative, helpful, action-loving, casual, sociable, open, sensitive, touchy, erratic, curious, noncommittal, action-loving

I've been thinking about stuff lately.... Very pensive about everything..... Life isn't good or bad but i'm still thinking. Been very pensive recently..... Thinking about things i guess i'm still a far shot away... I'm asking myself this question because i want to me sure? Or am I just having whim about something? The more i keep thinking about it more questions keep popping out... What should I be doing first? Am I ready mentally/physically/monetarily? What is it gonna be? Questions, questions, questions... Why so serious? U ask..... Life's too short to be fooling around appreciate what you have around you. All I ask for is to be cared for and to be loved. Is that something so hard to ask?

A night in a hospital. Lots of things to see. First and foremost, I need to explain why I'm in the hospital A & E for. My dad was having very bad stomach aches and cramps and it was not his first time in the week that it happened. The doctor had been suspecting it was due to gastric but it was rather weird coz he always had been taking his food at regular times unlike me. So my mum and I rushed him to SGH. Within one hour of our arrival at SGH, there were at least ten ambulances that dropped off emergency cases. The police post at the A & E was working non-stop that there was a 2 hour queue before someone could log their police statement. Then came the drama of the night, there was this indian lady who brought in a friend. She insisted on entering the emergency area and was making a big scene just because she couldn't get in. She just crumpled into a heap on the floor but were chased away by hospital staff because she was obstructing the path to the emergency ward. From what i could see most of the emergency cases where due to the countdown, people where too drunk that they passed out or met with an accident after partying. One guy had his feet ran over by a car when it was reversing, another girl drank too much wine. After spending 5 hours at the hospital, they discharged my dad for gastric again which i thought was rather weird. Anyway, what a new year's day!!

People are always immersed in their own thoughts, what's going on in their own world that they do not realize the presence and well-being of others around them. Life isn't just about your own self, its more than that. Why do people not see the beauty in living in a community? Someone whom you can truly care for and vice versa. 

Even i get caught in this world of thoughts, but at the end of it all you need to wake up from it to know that there are others out their worse off than you. If only we could open our eyes to see whats going on around us. If only mind reading was possible, then there would be no lies no secrets but people leading their own honest and decent life. If only....